I went on a holidate – part 2

November 8, 2017

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So let’s get back into it, or for some of you let’s jump right into the middle, which makes little sense to me so if you’d like to start at the beginning here’s where your little clicky arrow or pokey finger needs to goI went on a Holidate Part 1

I wake up to find my skin still attached and my thoughts somewhat racing. I mean I’ve established a few things since my journey began, She’s definitely a woman or has had a very convincing sex change and there’s probably no sexual agenda. I can imagine a few of my friends thwacking me on the back of the head (yes we thwack each other) saying “dude why didn’t you go for it?! Why else would a woman choose to share a bed with you?” I don’t know maybe she’s saving up for an IPhone X.

I was planning to spend the next 4 days with this person, I’d much rather she didn’t feel like I was some sex terrorist that was going to hump her leg if she dared to leave it bare and unguarded.

I did ask “why me” a few days before we met up, it went a little like:

• Me: Why me? I assume it’s because you figure I’m a nice guy that you’d get along with?
• Her: Honestly… I really wanted to go away and no one else was free.
• Me: ……ah……
• Her: And ya sure you seem nice.
• Me: ………

I might be giving off the vibe that my abductor could make a rock feel inadequate about its rockiness but that’s not true, it’s more like if the rock asked how hard it was, she’d respond with “I’ve felt harder”.

About her

She was petite, attractive and didn’t give a shit, which may explain why we’re in this situation. I got the feeling that she was someone who had been really hurt before and in response developed this thick armour made of don’t care and I do what I want. Maybe that’s why conversation was so interesting, I’m not sure if the 6 months of texting helped crack the ice but we immediately hit it off like a killer whale playing with its food, I think I was the food.
Rare occasions made me question her “tough bitch” personality though. One when we ordered steak in the airport and her steak looked like it was cooked on the devil’s flaming backside, she wasn’t sure about complaining as the didn’t want to inconvenience the staff. And another when we played a questionable numbers game where we rated the hotness level of half naked individuals around us, like that TV show Spartacus but replace the swords and chains with beer bellies and the occasional nip slip… wait no that’s still Spartacus. Anyway she ended up asking me what number I thought she was, I wondered why she cared but answered anyway, neglecting to return the question fearing that she’d give me a review reminiscent of recent Adam Sandler movies. Stop making movies man.

She banks with lloyds

I was a little familiar with what was going on in the life of my kidnapper before we went away, I knew there was a guy who was currently vying for her undivided attention. I wondered what he thought about her going on holiday with a dude she barely knew, I would have given it more thought but my mind was busy referring to him by a new descriptive nickname on every mention. Black stallion, Dark chocolate, Black coffee, Shadow boy, he’s black you got that right? I figured that she may have been on that jungle fever and being weird and nosey, wanted to find out more about Mr Brown Town.
Why weren’t they already dating? Did she like him? Why isn’t he here instead of me? And most importantly, does she have one leg out of the bed when he’s involved?

I asked… It depends.

It seemed like they’ve been having a casual thing for a while and I guess I didn’t want to muddy the waters of their fling by stirring another chocolate pipe into it.
I found myself giving Dr Phil esque relationship advice with a Bernie Mac tone like “Damn girl!!! Why you making a brother work so hard fo dat loving? You know you want that sweet chaawcalate”, there’s a rhythmic thrust in there somewhere, you’ll have to add that in yourself. Her basic responses to these comments ranged between eye rolls and general laughter. I like to think I eventually got through to her in some way because she ended up buying him a souvenir!! Though I can already imagine her denying my involvement.

We just hung out

It was a hot, wet, exhausting holidate, but not in the way some of you may have hoped. A steady 30 degree heat wave managed by numerous dips in cool beach water, watching my fellow man and woman gaze calmly into the horizon and even more so into their smartphone cameras.

As I watched a lady desperately trying to cook herself while chain smoking like a tanned Cruella Deville I evaluated the last few days, it was intense, we were gone for almost 4 days and practically spent every moment together, we grew weirdly familiar.

I’d have small panic attacks when she crossed the road without waiting for cars to stop and she’d check if I was okay when the sun periodically kicked my ass, we’d apply sunblock on each other’s backs while rating hot humans and I’d laugh at her when her ice tea cost more than my beer.

I went on a holidate and made a friend, what better way to build trust than to sleep practically naked next to someone you barely know. A part of me will always wonder what would have happened if I closed the gap in that tiny bed but regardless it was an experience I’d recommend to others if it wasn’t so crazy, risky and the plot theme to Taken 4.