5 ways to date during the Corona virus pandemic
This is probably one of the many thousand of articles about the corona virus you’ve subjected you’re poor browser and brain to… your internet history is probably days away from face masks being advertised on your smart ads. But is it the first article you’ve bumped into about dating during an epidemic like the corona virus… no.. well thanks for sticking around anyway.
I’ve been seeing a posts on Instragram about the struggles that we humans are having to deal with due to not being able to come in close proximity of each other. And with good reasons, many governments have advised many of us to work from home and to avoid many high traffic hang out spots in an effort to curb the risk of health systems being overrun.
If your ideal was picking up hot and steamy gym goers, well sorry but that’s pretty high on the graph when it comes to spreading the virus.
Want to go to a bar, sorry but no ones really going to be around and most are just shutting for a little while. But there are still things that can be done to entertain yourself or at least reduce some of the boredom.
Here are my 5 ways to date during the corona virus epidemic.
Add a modest tower of loo roll to your main profile pic.
As most of you in the world know, the current pandemic has probably caused the stock market to go haywire and I imagine companies like Andrex might be doing amazingly well right now seeing as people cannot own enough toilet paper.
So much so that only a select few are able to even get a solid 9 pack these days. Why not give your profile a bit of a bump by showing the world that you are in fact one of the few people that managed to snag these elusive sheets. Be careful though, because showing off too much of your bounty could give off the impression that you’re a jackass.
We don’t want to see pictures of you sitting on a throne made of paper mache and a toilet roll crown, we want to show off your knack for forward thinking, and maybe also give a poor soul the hope of isolating up with you and finally being able to take as many number twos as they want.
Smother your dates with hand sanitizer
Arrive for your date and casually slam your portable hand sanitizer bottle in the middle of the table, your date will look at you, then the bottle, then at you and nod in acceptance.
This germ is being carried exponentially through public transport and Instagram influencer’s need to touch and lick inanimate objects.
So this is one gooey clear liquid they would want to get on their hands. You also won’t be able give your date that awkward “hello, nice to meet you” hug for the time being, but if you find yourself overcome by emotion and engulfed in so much spark that you connect foreign skin with skin. Internally control your panic and slide both your hands to that clear virus killer and reminisce with your date about how badly hand sanitzer reminds you of cheap lube.
Talk about something other than Covid 19
2020 has so far been the equivalent of dropping a thin pot down a flight of metal stairs. A giant forest fire crisping Australia, Trump and Iran having a dangerous hissy fit that we all assumed would involve the world and now a pandemic named after a so-so beer brand.
There are so many people talking about Covid 19 that I for one would relish the idea of talking about something normal, boring and inconsistent. It’s highly likely that your new match or online date is metaphorically rubbing Covid stories, Covid memes and Covid isolation boredom out of their eyes.
Looking forward to when this is over and we can go back to regular topics like arguing over Brexit or complaining about London’s wet weather.
Find the fuck boy/girl that cares
You’ve been told to stay in doors and if you listened you’ve already spent more than 14 days at home trying to think of new things to make in your kitchen and trying to clean the workout sweat off your living room floor. You’ve also probably gotten a few impromptu texts from exes and people you may have shared a bed with who are finding the confinement equally difficult.
With the regular hunting ground of clubs, bars and unisex toilets being closed for the foreseeable future fuck boys/girls are digging deeper into their Whatsapp graveyards and hitting up nether regions they used to know.
But one of these sex felons also cares about your well being as much as they care about how they can re-occupy your genitals.
No one will blame you for humouring them and stockpiling some much needed digital attention and affection because who knows, at the rate we’re going we might be abducted by aliens by May 2020.
Use Corona virus as an excuse
With the situation escalating and sorta getting out of hand, there are now a few extra reasons to cancel, ghost, disappoint and reject. Ever stare down the barrel of an enthused text with no idea how best to respond without coming off as fake or insincere? Well you’re in luck because now you can just blame it on the current pandemic while chanting “Corona virus” like Cardi-B freaking out about the world’s health and safety.
Changed your mind about your Friday evening date because you got a better offer? (Staying at home and not getting infected maybe). Then no problem!! A simple text about social distancing should be enough to deter most matches, if not then a short rant about how being a carrier and infecting your loved ones doesn’t fill you with fun date vibes.
On a more serious note, it’s a damn shame that poor bats got eaten and we got infected with a global virus that spreads harder than fuck boys share dick pics. And it’s also a damn shame that daters “technically” can’t date during this period and we’re all having to settle for drinking wine while staring at a lengthy face time camera, or realise that they can barely cope being cooped up in a flat without some sort of physical contact.
Perhaps some of us are finding that the extended amount of additional communication is causing them to grow closer to their matches, or helping to figure out who can stay interesting for 3 months.
Stay safe, stay home if you can help it, and we’ll be back to normal in a couple of months when the corona virus pandemic has calmed down. Either that or we’ll be extracted by aliens in a couple of months.